Fuck. I just had a goodbye-forever talk. I got the closure, so did he. Why can’t I just let this go?
Fuck. I just had a goodbye-forever talk. I got the closure, so did he. Why can’t I just let this go?
Following on from my long and depressing post, I’m trying to make a list of things to look forward to for the future. I still have no idea if what I want to do is really return to uni and, if I do, whether to pursue a career in museums, teaching or something History-related. But I’ve kind of taken the spontaneous step of deciding to travel around Europe from Autumn. I’m taking an intensive month-long TEFL course in Prague from October, and then from there I’m hoping to find a placement somewhere in Western Europe and then travel around in Spring/Summer time - hopefully summer camps. If I can get enough money, and build up the courage to, I’d love to do a placement in a school in Japan or South Korea. I’m learning how to drive at the moment, and although I’ll have to put that on hold when I go away it’s really exciting to finally do it and build the confidence. I honestly can’t wait till I pass, as far away as that is now, and to know that I have the freedom to go and do whatever whenever. I’ve become best buddies with Chloe again and it’s so good being able to hang out with her again and have fun, I’ve been happier than I’ve been in such a long time and it really is because I’ve got my friend back. I’ve got a job at a pub in town as well, it’s being renovated so I don’t start till August but I’m excited to finally get trained on the bar and to meet the other new staff starting and hopefully become good friends with them. Otherwise, I’m weirdly content with how things are. Gonna catch up with more old school friends, so I’m excited and nervous at how that’s gonna go. I’m hoping to take a weekend trip away to Amsterdam for my birthday if me and Chloe have enough money for it, and planning a couple of tattoos I’d like to get over the summer. I’ve been trying so hard not to admit it, but I really miss him still and wish I could talk to him but I have to keep reminding myself of how painful it would be. I don’t think I’d be doing any of these things now if I was still with him, as I’d still be trying so hard to mould my life around his plans and aspirations. That’s why I suddenly made the decision to do the TEFL course and to do it away from home, as I want to finally make all the hopes of travelling and experiencing new cultures a reality, however scared or nervous I might be. The fact that I’ll be on my own terrifies me even more but I think I need to do it, to really do this for myself, to try and make myself happy. I’m one of those people who always seems to be in a relationship and I always end up depending too much on the other person and building the relationship up too much in my mind, particularly in regards to the future. I used to be so scared of being on my own and pursuing what could be my own aspirations that I desperately clung on to what my boyfriend wanted for his future and hoped I’d somehow fit into it. And it sounds pathetic now. When I broke up with him, I tried so hard to think of what I wanted and what I felt and because I had got so used to thinking about him and his hopes for the future, I had completely neglected my own. This wasn’t his fault at all, because I fully admit I completely let myself down by putting so much faith into a relationship that realistically wasn’t going to go anywhere. Again, this is going back to him but it’s really about how I always felt the need to be with someone to be happy. I’ve not been on my own long enough to really ‘find’ myself (ugh) or realise what it is I want. If I’m not happy being independent or doing things for myself, basically not being happy with what I have and who I am, then how can I expect myself to be happy with someone else and how can they be happy with me? Depending on someone else to make me happy isn’t going to get me anywhere, but I used to think that the fact they were with me at all must mean I meant something. And for the relationship to break down just reinforced all the ideas that I always had about myself but that I kept hidden away when the relationship was good; that I really was unworthy. It’s a selfish mindset, because it just sounds that I was with people because I needed positive reinforcement all the time. Obviously I cared and loved the people I was with; I just mean that when the relationship was nearing its end, I would always cling on, even if it made things a million times worse, because I was terrified. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. This break up has been the worst I’ve ever had, and it’s not even necessarily because of the cheating, as fucking awful as that is, but it’s the lies. It’s that he lied to me throughout, that he felt that he couldn’t be honest or he had to hide things from me, that he made things up about himself, about other people, that he pretended he was something he was not. And I fell in love with this person, who was then revealed to not exist at all. I still don’t know who he is, and that’s what hurts me the most. I never saw it, I never recognised the lies, I never saw the signs, and I feel so stupid. And although I said I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I have to admit to myself that I still love him, but it’s not real, he never was real. So I’m grieving for the loss of someone who was never really there. He’s moved on, because he never really gave himself away. And I can’t be comforted by the thought that he loved me at one time, because I guess it meant, nothing.
Okay, so I’ve decided to get tumblr back. This will probably be temporary, or quickly neglected, but at least it’s something else to do while I wait to start working. Within a week of coming back from uni, I couldn’t bear to be the house with so much time to spare. But it was more because I needed to be kept busy and have my mind perpetually on something else as I’d just broken up with my lying and cheating boyfriend. I was pretty fucked up after the break up, to be honest since finding out about the cheating, because I really had put my life on hold for him.
I fell out with my two best friends and chose to believe his bullshit lies over their advice and allowed him to speak to me and treat me like I was inferior to him. I can only see now that I’m no longer with him what a genuinely awful person he was. The relationship was entirely on his grounds and he would put everything I did down, but it’s stupid to complain, or even realise this, now as I chose to put up with it because I was convinced he would change back to the person at the start and he would show how much he loved me. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that the relationship wasn’t even a relationship, it was a farce as for most the time he had told girls he was single and slept with someone else when we were going through a ‘rough patch’. I was so devastated at everything, especially when he admitted he had lied to me about pretty much everything the whole time we were together.
The last time I spoke to him he genuinely said: ‘i can’t believe you’d think i’d actually cheat on you’ and claimed that I was suspicious and untrustworthy with no basis for it. He then told me that I, and I alone, had destroyed the relationship by refusing to give him a chance to ‘prove’ himself, despite the fact that as soon as he went away to teach at summer camp he was full on flirting with another girl and inviting her over to his cabin for sex. But that’s a joke apparently, and I have no sense of humour. I sound unbelievably bitter now, but the thing is I’m really not.
Straight after the break up I was determined to find ways of moving on quickly, just to stop feeling the unbelievable aching pain and emptiness that was left behind, almost obsessively wondering what he was doing, if he was thinking about me, if he’d contact me. And then I came across an article which described narcissist spouses and it was so fucking weird how when reading it everything seemed to make sense. His entire character, his personality, his tendencies, his behaviour - everything - was more or less summarised in a few paragraphs by a woman who had been with a narcissist for years. I guess the realisation then hit me that the whole time when he insisted that his inexplicable reckless behaviour, his argumentative and promiscuous nature, his apt manipulation and mind games and his incessant self-obsession came from depression that actually he was, is, a narcissist. It sounds dramatic, or that maybe I’m just looking at the bad in him and the relationship, but I knew the whole time I was with him that it was not a normal, loving or healthy relationship but yet I stayed with him and his constant derogatory comments about me and what I was doing wrong etc because I was so desperate to prove to him that I could do something right.
What constantly troubled me was how he could treat me the way he did, by making me feel worthless and humiliating me about things I felt insecure about or generally in front of his friends, kicking me out of his house in the middle of the night, and refusing to speak to me if he didn’t like something I did or if I disagreed with him. He would twist every situation, every argument, everything so it would be about him, that he was the victim and I was the villain and there was nothing I could ever do to redeem myself. I was so desperate for him to love me, and to give me any sort of positive attention, that I was willing to do, and say and be anything he wanted me to be, and he knew it. This might sound strange but the thing that really helped me in moving on from the endless cycle of questioning what I did wrong and how I could have changed things and done better, was understanding that narcissists are not like normal people - they do not feel love or sympathy, they do not understand the way others understand. And it made so much sense how when I was crying or upset when he mocked me or tried to convince me I wasn’t putting any effort in or I didn’t care that he never responded. He would either laugh at me for getting upset, make me leave or, more often, just completely blank me and go on his phone.
Just a couple of days after we had broken up I discovered that he already had two other girls, oblivious to each other, on the go. And it should have upset me, angered me, something. But after reading more on narcissist tendencies, it just made sense how he would be able to completely cut me out of his life as if I never existed and move on to the next best thing. I’m not jealous of the girls he may fuck, or try to convince he cares about; I just feel a little sad that the same shit will probably happen to them, and he will toss them aside as easily as he did me. What I can’t get over, and probably makes me sound like even more of a bitter person, is how his life has just continued and how everything just keeps getting better for him. I can’t help but hope that someone will discover what he is really like and reveal him to everyone, as he is loved by all his fucking friends and as he’s at summer camp now, he’s able to make so many more. I’m angry that he’s happy, that he’s succeeding in lying to people and making friends, that he’s able to have an amazing summer and I am left to pick up the pieces. I’m angry that I meant that little to him, that he tried to convince me the cheating was my fault, that the breakdown of everything was my fault, and for believing him. I’m angry at how he has moved on, how he has shown no guilt, no remorse, that I’ve had no fucking apology off him for what he’s done. But I’m hoping, with time, that the anger will fade away, just as the pain and hurt did when I found out the truth about everything.
Jesus, what a happy post to begin with. I guess that’s the point though. It’s something I’ve been needing to put into writing, just to get off my chest, so I can start the process of allowing myself to fully let go and properly move on. I would never want him back, but there is a part of me that misses him, but I know I’m not going to get the closure I hope for. So the best I can do is accept it for what it was, and let it go. I was so scared of being on my own, especially as my life basically resolved around him, that I stayed with someone who treated me like shit. And while it’s still hard to adjust to, particularly as I don’t have anything productive at the moment to focus on, I’m so much happier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s a weird feeling, almost relief, like freedom. Although nothing’s really happening at the moment, I feel oddly content with things. I’m happy knowing that what I do now is for myself, and I don’t have to worry about what he will think. I’m best friends with my old school friend again and I see her a lot, and I’m so grateful to have her back in my life as she’s helped me so much with this and made me so much happier. Anyway, I think I’ve written enough about him. I don’t really want to keep dwelling on the past, but it helps just getting it out.